Hello please buy an ugly magazine, pretty please. Also, while you’re here, have you ever thought about why there aren’t more weiner animals? There are weiner dogs. But no other weiners in the animal kingdom. I propose we breed to weiner-ize every animal imaginable. Weiner whale, weiner bear, weiner tiger, weiner giraffe, weiner woman, weiner man, weiner uncle, weiner centipede, weiner butterfly, weiner bird… you get it. We must begin immediately.

Hello I am Ugly Magazine & I am a new indie comedy magazine that is 24 pages stuffed tight like a sausage with pork (jokes), beef (fun times), & spices (the friends you met along the way).

 

If you want me to try to sell myself (the magazine) to you, here is my most compelling headline pitch that a reader sent in: “a physical magazine? in 2021? lol ok”

 

I’m sorry I am just not a natural sales person. Most magazines are not. Besides Vogue. That thing sells itself w/o even god damn trying. Fucking sexy sexy Vogue. I wish I was Vogue.

 

Anyways, about me. Geez where do I start. It’s not easy to just have an answer for “who and what are you.” It’s not really a fair question. I guess you should know when I was in the fourth grade my class took a field trip to Washington DC to learn about the government (big brother, and I ain’t talkin about the television show). The bus driver took a wrong turn and we ended up in Pittsburgh accidentally. The chaperones were cool though, they improvised and told us that Heniz Field was the Washington Monument. They told us many things that were incorrect (and just plain wrong) that day. So up until last Tuesday I thought Jerome Bettis was a former United States President.

 

And I dunno. This conversation feels so one-sided. Sometimes I just wish you tried more, y’ know. Would it kill you to ask me if my day or week or month has been going okay? Or take me out for vanilla ice cream once in awhile? Or hell, just cleaned and prepared the bath tub for me so I could destress and have some “me time”.

 

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and at this point what are we doing here? Yes, I mean you and I. I think I made a huge mistake. I wish that we were just better for each other, y’know? I guess I wish a lot of things had gone differently between us. The things I used to love about you are honestly just things that I can’t stand anymore. Sorry. I just want to be honest with you.

 

Well. This is my stop. It was nice seeing you and I’m sorry that this didn’t work out. It’s not what I wanted for us but it’s what we both need right now. It was just bad timing for both of us. Goodbye, I’ll never forget you. *I gently kiss you on the forehead as I get off the bus*

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